Yesterday I spent the day cleaning, thinking and feeling. A large group of wonderful people I am blessed to think of as my online family spent the day participating in a Tough Mudder in Philly. I knew all of the pics and posts about their life changing day would kick me right in the feels. I wanted to be ready. So I cleaned my room. And I thought. And I felt. Then I realized that I made a big misstep somewhere along the way the last few years.
I tried to be normal.
I am not normal. I am a dreamer. I have always thought big. Bigger. Biggest. I have always had to-do lists that read differently than most.
A History of Denise’s To-Do lists:
Age 6:
1. Become Erica Kane from All My Children.
2. Kiss Shawn Cassidy.
3. Be in Annie on Broadway.
Age 8:
1. Win an Oscar by age 10.
2. Be on Star Search.
Age 13:
1. Be the next Oprah
2. Change the world.
Age 16:
1. Win an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, Tony, American Music Award, etc. 2. Start a magazine
3. Create a charity to send city kids to the country and country kids to the city for the summer.
4. Come up with a plan to end poverty.
Age 18:
1. Be the Half Mexican love child of Oprah, Dennis Miller and Dr. Phil.
2. Write a life changing book, Go on a book tour
3. Become a motivational speaker, change many lives
4. Have a talk show
5. Retire as a US Senator.
Like I said, I. Dream. Big.
When I stopped being my always, I started being my never. Huh, you say? Let me word that a little better.
We can NEVER move forward until we go back to being who we were ALWAYS meant to be.
There was a moment a few years ago that still resonates in my head–and also cracks me up. Most things do that. My mom and I were talking about Lindsey Lohan, who was going through a very rough patch at that moment.
My momma: “See, Denise? That is why I never wanted you to go off and become famous. Look what could have happened to you!”
Me: “I might have ended up jobless and living at home with my two kids by two different guys with no clue what to do with my life?”
The moment was very funny in our dry, sarcastic way. I get my wit from that gal. But later, I realized how much wisdom was attached to that conversation. She meant it in the best possible mother loving her child way. I know that. I know she never had a clue what the heck to do with a kid like me. I can’t blame her. I am a handful and a half. When you are a creative, dreamer child, your growing up experience can be a bit odd. There is a constant stream of people ready to shoot you down anytime you say things like:
“When I grow up “I want to be an Actress/Singer/La-Oprah-cita/ Change the World!”
You hear a lot of:
“Maybe you should be a teacher instead!”
“You are so great at interior design! You should study that somewhere around here!”
“You don’t need to live in New York. That place is full of murderers and crazy people!”
Basically it is a life of people feeding their own fears and doubts straight into your growing brain. Any time I would get beaten down by life enough to doubt myself and would say something like, “I may go to school and study architecture or something.” I would be met with “Yes! Do that! Great idea!”.
Wanna know what is silly about that?
I am not equipped to be an architect.
I am not equipped to be a teacher.
I am in awe of people that are. They have a skillset I do not possess. I look at people who can work, parent, coach little league, come to every game in a gorgeous new personalized tshirt and still find time to sit down every month and diligently do their budget with the same starstruck glow most people reserve for Ryan Gosling’s naked torso. For me to attempt those things would be the equivalent of someone who has a slight interest and limited talent in singing attempting to get a record deal. It could happen, they could probably make it work if they try hard enough. But it will never be a perfect fit.
I was divinely equipped to be a communicator. I was put on this Earth with the ability to sing, act, write, speak, connect, empathize, amuse, entertain, adapt….getting the picture? I was built to live MY dreams. As silly and wild as they seemed to most, they were perfectly normal to me. They did not make my heart go into panic mode like it does now when I try to figure out what the heck to do with my life.
They were my peace. My passions.
And I worked hard for them! I spent hours as a child training the accent out of my voice. I worked out daily. I read everything I could get my hands on. No drinking, smoking, sex (sorry y’all, the rumors were just not true!) or any other normal teenage rebellions that could trip up my chance at my dreams. In fact, I never did or said anything I did not want to eventually end up in a news story when I was famous. It sounds silly now, but I was dead serious. I planned and plotted and dreamed and worked harder than anyone would probably ever believe if I told them. I was equipped for my dreams. When I told anyone I wanted to do anything OTHER than those things, the response I should have gotten is “No offense Denise, but you are not cut out to be a teacher. Maybe you should consider being an Entertainer! That would be a great fit!”
That is what I will say to my children when they find their always. When they settle into figuring out who they have always been. No matter who or what that is. Trying to convince them otherwise is a fruitless, and damaging endeavor.
One of the greatest compliments I have ever recieved came from my now ex-husband. We were speaking on the phone many moons before we ever lived in the same state. I told him I was going to focus on studying design and hoped to one day help places like Habitat for Humanity create homes that are adaptable to the lives of people in transition. Still a goal of mine, btw. Just one of the many. Anyway, Bauer–we call each other by our last names for no logical reason whatsoever–misunderstood my use of the word adaptable but that only made his always wise and witty words that much more poignant. He said:
“Salinas, That is a great idea. And I have no doubt if you really wanted to you could design the greatest handicap bathroom in the world. But that is not what you were meant to do.”
He was right. He still is.
Which is why I found myself, smiling through tears while I tore up to-do lists yesterday.
I ripped right through the words “get a few jobs.”
Crumbled up “set up a budget for bill paying.”
Tossed “learn to manage my time and money” right in the trash can.
Scribbled out “do something brave and open to the world every day”
Said Adios to “make a proper grocery list”!
Made a spitball out of “lose weight. Get back in shape”.
My new Straight Up Denise Style to-do list:
1. Start a blog. Don’t worry about perfect. Just do it.
2. Complete a Tough Mudder
3. Audition for The Voice.
4. Get tested to give a kidney to the Big-Eyed Wonder.
That’s it. That is my 38 year old single mother of two kids currently living with my parents with no job or money to do list. Seems legit.
Guess what?
It is. The irony of this list is that it tackles the other to-dos along the way. To be able to do those four things I will have to figure out:
Money and time management
Health and fitness
Courage and Consistancy
Brave Openness
Funny how that works out, right? It is almost like we were divinely designed to learn exactly what we need to know as long as we are following our true purpose and passions. Shocker! I suppose that would also explain why the things that seem like they should be so common sense simple become impossible when we are not learning them the way we were meant to learn!
Well crap, that explains so dang much. Eleventh grade Advanced Algebra II, I apologize. It was not you. It was me.
The truth is I have been working on this stuff for awhile now. Little by little, step by step. But now it is in writing. It is official. I am claiming these things as my goals. Eek. Which means it is time to conquer a big step in making my new to do list a reality. It includes posting words on a blog then freeing them into the world. Scary. Even if no one ever reads them, it is still hard to let go of concerns about what anyone else thinks about me, my talents or my goals. And that includes my own negative opinions. They are not based at all on who I really am anyway. Anyone who really knows me, knows the truth. There. I am feeling lighter and freer already! Tough Mudder here I come!
Oh, and guess what?! The day I wrote this, three amazing things happened!
1. I finished setting up a blog I originally planned to start years ago.
2. I joined a team for a Tough Mudder in 2016!
3. I saw a possible job opportunity that normally would have had me questioning and doubting until I missed it altogether. Instead I thought to myself “Would this be a good fit to help get you where you want to be in life?” The answer was yes. So I sent a message….
Wish me luck on my first day at my new job, y’all!
Life is Beautiful. So are all of you.
CherryRidge Chica 